5 hours later and I still haven't written anything. I mean, I've written things, I just.. don't want to post them, heh. If I could speak without constraint and no hidden meanings behind what I say, I'd be happy. But I don't think I remember quite how to. It's either got to be a big, flashy show or presentation of both sides (serious/joking, anger/sadness, etc) of whatever I'm thinking of down to the last detail. Sucks, hah..
How about random details?
--I firmly believe I have a guardian angel. Not that I'm especially religious, just.. of all my beliefs in anything remotely outrageous, I believe I have one. Or, at least, that she has me, ha. Sophia. I tell myself she can only really help when I'm feeling low, because that's when my heart is most open.
--I.. believe in God. I really do. I'm just fuzzy on the ideas of heaven and rebirth. Let alone "the devil", who I don't think is such a bad guy. I mean, God doesn't hate him.. why should I? Religions just seem so.. BLAH, you know? Not just the fire and brimstone garbage, but others who say how either only they will be saved, or in the end God will judge everyone and send some people to eternal damnation. Now I'm not saying there shouldn't be a punishment for the truly wicked, but.. what about those people that do horrible sins and don't know how sorry they actually are? heh, Maybe it's just a hopeful thinking, but if I believe anything about God, it's all those times I've heard about His compassion and forgiveness... That's what I believe in.
--And love, man... Okay, I've got this friend. We were having this discussion about some obscure topic and then it eventually got to love which I described in this manner (and, at the same time, described my ambivalent tendencies - see if you can catch it): there is a man (M1) on his knees infront of another man (M2) with a gun pointed at M1's head; M1 stole food for his starving family and M2 is absolutely going to kill M1 for stealing regardless of the reasoning behind it. This is where my friend pretty much said he'd love them both: M1 for being noble and M2 because he could get to understand M2 through love and help to show him how he was doing wrong. That is just so.. WRONG! To me, at least, heh.. That actually physically disgusts me for someone to say that, though. I told him I'd love both people: M1 because of everything he is and is doing and has done for himself and his family, and M2 because of the exact same reasons. I said, the dilemma comes, for me, in loving those two people at EXACTLY the same time because they are entirely opposite and, if you think about it, you just can't do it, but deep down I do love both of those people "just" (a loaded word) for being who they are.
I could go on.. but it won't go anywhere, ha. Like in my English papers, I'd just be "circling the idea, but never really saying it." -twirls finger- I'd rather circle the answer a thousand times than pick the wrong one, anyway. >:P
(almost 6hrs of typing/deleting/spacing out deserves this picture.. and i'm tired and ready to shut off this restless brain. goodnight.)
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