Act ?? - True Men

When did we as men become ruled by our emotions? When did we begin to act in secrecy and as double-agents to others like us?

We should be able to talk as men do: aloud and to the point. There are men out there that think according only to themselves, and act as such, too. They are different than us. They are not us, nor who we should aspire to. Other men know that they always can be the former, but each day also think of others and act with the restraint - or the passion - that comes from doing so.

So some people say "Nice guys finish last." Yet, I've said it before and I'll say it again: we are the only ones even in the race; and I won't stop until I die.



Will be working on this thought for it a bit..

Act 22 - NOT Act 23

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OzabifGLT4
Son Dam Bi - "(Are You) Crazy"

She's so hot, hah. There's nothing wrong with pointing that out!
Plaid clothes. Amazing eyes. Non-white skin. Out-of-the-ordinary jewelry. Simple, fluid movements. Uh.. Asian. ha

I have to get out of Modesto to find the person I'm looking for. Gah.

"Love is not an endpoint. It is a journey. It is the path leading toward it, and the path on which it takes you afterward. To live with love is to truly live."

Act 21 - Record, Stop

Because I can't say something serious without a joke attached. Or vice-versa (there is a difference).
When I speak of a girl who "knows me", I don't mean necessarily her as I could not mean anything other than her. Savvy?

I have to meet someone new.

I thought about telling *her* all my thoughts. But then it occurred to me, maybe she has to experience it first. Who am I to say everything and teach it all second-hand? At the same time.. I'm not sure where this is going. All I know is, when I FINALLY thought about the paradox, I figured it out. Not the one above, but something else my mind drifted to. And it was peaceful.

Something holds me back. I shouldn't feel ridiculous for these thoughts and things I type. I shouldn't feel guilt for the various things I do. I.. am very happy, though, ha. Just not in the way you want.

(Atmosphere. look at the lyrics to "If I Was Santa Clause". well-written, for sure, heh)

Act 20 - For Sure

These Acts.. while it's a good idea to go day-by-day, I'm not sure how much meaning each day should hold. Some would say "You're just lazy" or "Then make each day meaningful in its own way" but some things.. things that are truly important just should not be said; sometimes when they are, it feels as though you've lost something by speaking it aloud.

I choose to speak those things which may seem deep and well-thought out, but a lot of the time its just a babbling brook of a mind - spilling out words like a fountain filled with pennies, trading thoughts for your time.

But other things, things that enhance me personally, I often forget or choose to leave out. Because maybe someone wouldn't understand.. And be that the case, I would rather keep them quiet.

Not that any of these days I've missed contain especially significant days, but they did each contain a single line of thought which made me a "stronger" I (stronger not being the best word since it implies some kind of measurement, but this "strength" cannot, should not be measured).
I am nowhere near the me of my mind, but I am getting there.

(none)

Act 19 - Soren Kierkegaard

"...that is when he makes the greatest movement of all! For he says, 'It is on the strength of the absurd, and God himself, that I shall. . .'"

Been awake since 8. Yet feeling remarkably.. refreshed, ha. Though the bleeding in my mouth isn't so good, it finally prompted a dental appointment this Thursday at 11AM. I'm.. excited, though I know quite embarrassed once I get there. Ah, well.

Today will be marked with hanging out with Taylor and seeing our friend with his fractured arm. Also, working for my dad sometime this evening. I suppose that's all.. Ah! And my 11:11 wish has been saved to this post.. I'll let whoever needs it use the wish, ha.

(no picture yet.. ill upload one later)

Act 18 - By the way..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wRkoGKQ8qQ
Taylor Swift - "Love Story"
Yeah.. I thought you'd enjoy it, ha. It's a cute song - I guess I like the rise in the end to match her mood after it quiets to show her contemplation/doubt. Eh.. but that's thinking too much about it like I'm trying to do less - it's just a well-done song, I think.

Anyway.. /ahem


I know a girl who fits the description of my ideas.
She doesn't know, nor will she except when she really thinks about it.
She'll think it's her..
...Shake her head and tell herself "No",
But won't completely let go of the idea.
And though nothing may ever come of this -
If she simply exists, in times of strength and times of her weakness,
Showing she is as human as she is dream,
Then I will know my own ability to push onward.
Because though she never will outwardly hint otherwise -
I do the same.
hah
And she knows it.



(stolen! "emo love" from photobucket.. i used to dress like that.. and i wont lie that part of me still wants to. op.. ha)
[there! all caught up on number of Acts for this blog.. sleep! ..and hopefully last on this for a bit, ha. i need to recharge my hopes]

Act 17 - Catch-up Artist

Dear infinite "you". . .

I am to be a History major. What career I undertake is not known, but I have barely seen the world and don't feel 100% right in making that decision yet. I am unsure as to whether I want to focus on Spain or Japan, but I lean much farther in the direction of the latter. That is my plan.. I'll see it through. /nod

As for my tattoo: it will be of the picture I post in this blog! "The Great Wave off Kanagawa" by Katsushika Hokusai is a well-known picture and has commanded my attention since I first saw it in my History of Art: Japanese Art and Architecture class a year ago. I know it's mainstream, but.. it's one of the most amazing pieces of art I've ever seen. I don't want to change any of it when it goes on me, since, though it's been done before, I just don't feel like taking any part of it out is right, heh.

As for myself in general: /bow For tonight, I am I. My boys are stronger. My workouts are helping me achieve my "prime at 23" ideal. And.. I will no longer settle or lose myself to any girl less than "wow"-ing; that is, I will not settle for less anymore. Blog on that later.. a real one - ignore those posts several Acts back.. that was ridiculous, hah.


Today: hung out with Taylor; got my internet/phone turned back on; hung out with Ariel (my first ex that I haven't talked to in 4 1/2 years); went to Ariel's birthday party with Taylor and had a great time. I loved today, very much.

(see "tattoo" paragraph".. amazing work)


AND.. shout-out to Andrew Wu who's email I need to respond to now that I have internet again (I didn't forget!!). As well as send out everyone's money/write to Gloria about such things.. ._.; Whoops..

Act 16 - Realist

This will encompass what I believe to be two missed days because my posting in the early AMs of the day throws off what day I'm exactly posting for.. Combining that with no internet sincerely screwed me over, heh.

---------

I guess I apologize for the recent string of.. strange posts, but - at the same time - I'm not going to deny that they will most assuredly come up again. Probably soon. But as they come more often, eventually I won't want to post about it and it will fade away again. Thus is my pattern.

The days were spent doing essentially nothing but waiting for money. Watched tons of movies and.. I can't recall anything else. So.. that's the end of this post.

(no pics for the days)

Act 15 - My Juliet!

First of all, though hopefully not the most important thing to be said in this blog :), my internet is/has/will continue to be down for a few days. Right after those 2 blog posts, it dropped again - just my luck. I guess I'll get in contact with some of y'all shortly.. Sorry about that, ha.

-------


Spent the day watching a marathon of The Deadliest Warrior and Las Vegas, followed by Pursuit of Happyness and Hero. Not bad.. Time with a couple friends, as well, at the doughnut shop around midnight.

== I would lay down the grace in my tongue... ==

At 2:50AM I realized the type of girl that I am holding out for. These girls.. they may be perfect for someone, just not me. I don't want someone to "understand" me - I don't even understand myself, nor do I expect to when I'm at my best. She will not immediately move as though she knows why I do things, but will somehow "feel" that she always does. . . .

(stolen.. too much whatever to take pictures)

Act 14 - The Heart vs. The Brain

"Don't go." "I never go far."

[[best characterized as a brain explosion.. this post happened 4 days ago or so]]

If I could be whomever I wanted to be, I think I'd be myself. But rather the me I imagine.
That is, how can I be so sad when I know everything will turn out not just "alright" in the end, but be perfect?
I am a creature that thinks "too" much. Rather, I am "just" human. Just.. tsk tsk tsk. aha
Rather, how can I be so sad when I know everything will turn out okay in the end, but might also end up perfect (if such a thing exists)?
I'm not sad right now. No.. far from it. But I felt I should start off with an interesting idea that seems to get those mental gears flowing. After all.. only then can I write what I intended, haha.


Sometimes, when life seems too much to bear, I believe it is of you I think. My only hope, then, is that you merely think of me sometimes.
I am the type of man who sees the end result of himself and wonders why, oh why, can't I be him now. The finish line is ahead; surely I must be able to make dash for it and get there before my time. I know who I want to be, but being unable to get there - and, furthermore, being unable to explain to all but a few others - I must simply tell people I've no direction.
In my head I am the man of war, with eyes who've seen more in darkness than in light; the Casanova, where every word I say is saccharine to pull you in; the "dread pirate", waiting to finally make that catch that makes it all worthwhile and myself able to stop.

I believe that is when men are truly men. When we can show ourselves to be who we really are. And even though I may be a-thousand different things, I will be able to be me 100% of the time.
But it all requires something to go against.. someone. That is what all the different ideas share: a common belief in one

Act 13 - Riptide Maze

You hesitate to stab me with a word, and know not - silence is the sharper sword.

I had such good things to type for these catch-up posts individually, but as soon as I start typing them out they all just.. suck, so bad. Ah well.. More of an incentive for keeping up on these. My real thoughts will go into the next one when I've officially caught up.


Hung around with Taylor, again. Yeah, that's generally how life goes when you and your best friend are stuck in a place (mentally and physically) that doesn't offer much good, clean, maybe somewhat-productive craziness. That last part could mean socially, spiritually, etc.. We apparently amuse ourselves for a good enough time, though. He left for more Marines training around 5 - and updated his blog before he left, haha. Good.

Continued to move things with my dad that night. No pictures taken by me for this post, but I could show you how I got my pack-rat tendencies - that I'm currently fighting/winning against! - from the large dumpster we rented for a week to fill with the crap they've collected for decades.

Stayed up late last night.. trying to fight it.

(it's House.. great show.)

Act 12 - What?

"Happiness is so hard to define and foolish to define. Am I acting? That's the worst thing you can ask yourself. You can be happy suddenly. It can spring on you, not when you reach a plateau. You can be happy going backward or going down. You can be happy at the loss of something."
-Steve Martin

Almost entirely forgot what happened today (being.. 2 days ago, I suppose, ha).

Woke up to Taylor texting me he was inside my house, lol. We hung out most of the day doing.. God knows what. I don't even know how so many hours of the day passed, but it was good. Someone said it is the utterly simple days in life that we remember in the end; I think that's true. I think the day ended happy enough..

(i generally awake in a daze around 11 after sleeping at 4..)

Act 11 - "Rekindle"

"I love him so much, Jared. But I know it's just.. hopeless.." "Atleast you have someone you've liked for so long." "What do you mean?" "It's like.. if he told you to stop liking him, though maybe not directly.. and this happened again and again." "But it's hopeless!" "Still has 'hope' in it. Atleast you've got that."
-Steph and Me, years ago

No work today after all as dad settled bank problems and whatnot. Tomorrow, ha.
Time with the guys tonight.. it was good. IHOP with several of them after playing kickball (with a basketball..) at our old high school - though, one of us still goes there *cough*. That's.. about it.

I guess we're all trapped in nostalgia today. Mulling things over with them.. Though it's sometimes difficult to get my guys (and gals) out of the muddle, I know I must, heh. It is an inherent trait of mine to bring things to a "happy medium"; we'll get there. We must.

Rufus Wainwright - "Hallelujah" [this about sums up our moods when in deep introspection]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMrZ7lChK-g
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/shrek/hallelujah.htm

(IHOP. andrew.. gettin poked by chris, ha)

Act 10 - Tell Me All Your Thoughts On God!

Tell me - am I very far?

Bittersweet day. Woken up early among several irritants, but it was productive so.. I guess that's all that matters, ha.. Good lil worker boy.
Me and T knocked out stuff for my dad while we cleaned out the garage/patio/breezeway/backyard. Tomorrow we'll get the storage space cleaned up so my dad can shut that down and save a couple hundred more dollars a month - and finish earning the rest of my money to pay off my debts (eh heh, sorry ^^;).

After that.. watched "Catch Me If You Can" on TV then went over to a friend's place with T for him to play WoW again. Not terribly boring watching, but.. I don't care for that friend's house anymore for personal reasons, heh. Simply, I may deal in half-truths and confusion, but never in being fake. :/ Feh feh.. -waves hand-

Uhm. That's all. Work/friends tomorrow. Time to sleep after quick workouts.

(we used hammers/our feet to take this thing down, ha. so badass.. :P until i stepped on a rusty nail. didn't know i apparently lived in a family of gypsies until i was told "you don't need a shot. here's some oregano oil" / taylor said "that is an ice cream maker from the 1940's" lol.. wouldn't doubt it, jeez)

Act 9 - AAR Kick (so sue me)

The notes are old / They bend, they fold / And so do I to a new love

It's them or Panic! At the Disco/Taking Back Sunday currently, heh.
Eh.. now to continue from the last Act (8). We talked until 5AM with someone making various calls to a lot of girls.. it seems silly and, honestly, somewhat childish, but it's one of those things you just don't say aloud to recognize it. I let him make the calls, but would constantly tell him he shouldn't, knowing full well that he was only calling so much because he was looking for someone - anyone - to answer. It's why we sometimes go on walks by ourselves when we feel alone (especially at night..); pick fights when we're just looking for someone to stop it without making us feel wrong for doing so. That kind of thing. But I'm getting off point, heh.

Hung around the house til early afternoon. Was supposed to hang out with a bunch of the guys tonight, but.. after just a couple hours of sleep (I haven't been able to get a single, solid sleep in a few weeks) I just wanted to keep it low energy. Me and the boy played games at his house while I ignored texts/calls.. Op.. We went over to another friend's house so he could play WoW with him, but he said he had to go take care of something for a bit and had me play his character - which turned into several hours and no response to my texts, ha.
C'est la vie.
Plans made: Sunday working for my dad; Monday seeing the guys; Tuesday movies with D and friends.

For now.. probably going to take a walk, and then take some Nyquil afterward. Night.

(amazing dog. breed: Keeshond, name: Ramse. was abused before taken to pound where my friend found him, so he runs and barks from afar... but once he warms up to you, he becomes an actual cuddler/attention whore [in an adorable way, ha..])

Act 8 - You're A Star

Can you hear me smiling when I sing this song for you / And only you?

Let's see.. 2 days ago now, so..
That day I started playing Pokemon Red again to beat one of Taylor's step-sisters at hers, ha. While the rest of his family is on vacation for 2 weeks, I'll be building my "Energy Drink" team (Rockstar the Ivysaur; Monster the Haunter; Bawls the Kadabra, etc). Nothing but a little fun to keep us all occupied, heh.

Uhm.. Well, eventually the two of us found ourselves at another friend's house - or at least, the place he's house-sitting for other friends. Along with his roommate, we had some drinks and played Gears of War 2. God.. we were stupid. ._.;; I shouldn't feel too bad since I'm just trying things out while I'm mostly young, but some part of me hates how it's one of the few things to do in Mo-town. Whatever, heh; not going to go into negative things, so I had a good time.

(the shaved-headed Brandon. good times.)

Act 7 - Stay

. . .when we are both cats.

I had the perfect idea of what to talk about, but I can't remember it now. Wow.. and I just accidentally deleted everything I wrote when I held down shift, unintentionally hit up a couple times, and began typing. ... /sigh lol t(._.t)

Anyway.. I've got to figure some stuff out by the end of this thing. Just when I type.. eh, whatever, hah.

(chris driving his beat-up old, tiny jeep. when i got home, watched conan, went to mr. t's with more friends, and watched "Stay Alive" til 4.. spooky)

Act 6 - A Day Late

And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon / Is shining high above the trees...


I spent all of yesterday with Taylor's family. Two of the girls are graduating - that's crazy, ha.. I remember the first time ever seeing them run through the basement together at their old home years ago. I have to say, though.. as much as things change and they seem quite mature at times, some things never change. Which is good - very good. "Happy congratulations.. er, graduation. Op.."

Anyway, still cleaning room. Back to the grind..

(messy, random stuff pile..)

Act 5 - Hey There, Delilah

At 11:11, I either save it with the others or give it away to you.

5 hours later and I still haven't written anything. I mean, I've written things, I just.. don't want to post them, heh. If I could speak without constraint and no hidden meanings behind what I say, I'd be happy. But I don't think I remember quite how to. It's either got to be a big, flashy show or presentation of both sides (serious/joking, anger/sadness, etc) of whatever I'm thinking of down to the last detail. Sucks, hah..

How about random details?
--I firmly believe I have a guardian angel. Not that I'm especially religious, just.. of all my beliefs in anything remotely outrageous, I believe I have one. Or, at least, that she has me, ha. Sophia. I tell myself she can only really help when I'm feeling low, because that's when my heart is most open.
--I.. believe in God. I really do. I'm just fuzzy on the ideas of heaven and rebirth. Let alone "the devil", who I don't think is such a bad guy. I mean, God doesn't hate him.. why should I? Religions just seem so.. BLAH, you know? Not just the fire and brimstone garbage, but others who say how either only they will be saved, or in the end God will judge everyone and send some people to eternal damnation. Now I'm not saying there shouldn't be a punishment for the truly wicked, but.. what about those people that do horrible sins and don't know how sorry they actually are? heh, Maybe it's just a hopeful thinking, but if I believe anything about God, it's all those times I've heard about His compassion and forgiveness... That's what I believe in.
--And love, man... Okay, I've got this friend. We were having this discussion about some obscure topic and then it eventually got to love which I described in this manner (and, at the same time, described my ambivalent tendencies - see if you can catch it): there is a man (M1) on his knees infront of another man (M2) with a gun pointed at M1's head; M1 stole food for his starving family and M2 is absolutely going to kill M1 for stealing regardless of the reasoning behind it. This is where my friend pretty much said he'd love them both: M1 for being noble and M2 because he could get to understand M2 through love and help to show him how he was doing wrong. That is just so.. WRONG! To me, at least, heh.. That actually physically disgusts me for someone to say that, though. I told him I'd love both people: M1 because of everything he is and is doing and has done for himself and his family, and M2 because of the exact same reasons. I said, the dilemma comes, for me, in loving those two people at EXACTLY the same time because they are entirely opposite and, if you think about it, you just can't do it, but deep down I do love both of those people "just" (a loaded word) for being who they are.


I could go on.. but it won't go anywhere, ha. Like in my English papers, I'd just be "circling the idea, but never really saying it." -twirls finger- I'd rather circle the answer a thousand times than pick the wrong one, anyway. >:P

(almost 6hrs of typing/deleting/spacing out deserves this picture.. and i'm tired and ready to shut off this restless brain. goodnight.)

Act 4 - See You, Space Cowboy

"Oh, hey." "Hi.. what are you doing?" "Makeup.. you look good." "Well, thanks, heh." "Yeah, heh.."


So.. as you can see, Taylor decided to be a barber today, ha. XP Oh, it went about as well as you'd expect.. We played Super Smash Bro.s: Brawl until we got bored and a mutual friend decided it was time to shave his already thinning hair (though he's only our age). After that, Taylor didn't do too horribly on mine, but definitely had to smooth out a chunk on the left-hand side that came out... hahah. Had it been anyone but my best friend... jeeeez...

That was about it for today. I woke up unable to shake my mind and get myself out of deep thoughts, but managed to survive another day. :) That's enough for now.

(That's Tay just before the deed in the pic. And to the left of him you can see a guardian angel candle we always have lit at my house, hah... Ironic when those things burn weird and become a fire hazard)

Act 3 - The Day After

Sometimes the steps ahead tremble. And if you look back, you won't make that jump.

I had a dream last night that was.. good, ha. Though somewhat sad. I won't say what went on in it or who was, but I will say that my "dream" girl, even in my dreams, will act with intelligence and be bound by obligations she's already made. lol XD I can't help but laugh, since though it may be sad in its own way, it only makes me know she is that much.. different than others.

Anyway! Moving along: my parents are continuing to be more nice to this one than usual, and it's quite.. relaxing, heh. I feel somewhat free-er. And while I did go to my friend's for a bit, we went over to another friend's house we hadn't talked to in a long time and reunited with both families. It was good. I just.. Some days I don't want to drink or even be around it, hah. How can I know what is sincere when one is under the influence?


Well, enough from this old fool. ;P It was an enjoyable day and I'll spare this blog from my inner ideas and long discussions with unsolved answers.


(Her name is Son Dam Bi. Amazing singer - and very beautiful, ha. My pictures coming soon.. >.>)

Act 2 - Redundancy

"You like that, too? I thought I was the only one!"

As I sat with friends, bored, while they played their video games I usually join them in, I finally couldn't take it anymore and left without a word back to my house. I cleaned just near the foot of my bed where I haven't touched in a year and a half - since I had left for college. Among other things, I found tennis rackets (I need to play more!), love notes (bleh. burned), and my notes from my Existentialism class. Nothing amazing, but it felt really good to clean that area up; tomorrow shall be the rest.
I'm just one of those people that loves it to be clean and orderly around him to work well. Yet.. I'm scared of cleaning too much and it becoming sterile and suffocating in the opposite way. I'm weird like that, haha.

I guess today was just the physical marking of my new attitude on life I'm finding out slowly. No need to plan it out; when you feel it is time, you just have to go for it.


(The picture is Spring/Summer meeting Fall/Winter. It's not my own, nor do I know whose it is.. but I really like the details of decay and life on the creatures around, hah. Thought I'd share.)

Act 1 - Trips

I suck at these and am trying my very hardest to not spend HOURS on a single post and simply type what I'm thinking right away, ha. That said, this is the first of hopefully many posts on the days of my life and how I see them.

I guess all I really ask of you, the reader, is patience in these ramblings as I grow up and get closer to becoming who I feel I am somewhere deep down. My nature is to be ambivalent, but my stubbornness forces my apathy - my emotions are therefore either exaggerated to make me choose one or subdued into moments of "whatever's".
And.. that's all the back story I'll be giving. ;) This blog isn't meant to be focused on the past, but rather on the present in an attempt to-- heh, the first instance of me talking too much about something in here.

Well.. let's go!
----------------------------------

And it started one ordinary day with a "Hello". . .

Several days ago I went on a trip with other people I knew. It was amazing! ha. In fact, it was all I could talk about for a couple days, even though I tried not to since I knew people who didn't go wouldn't care too much to continually hear about it. But.. something happened on that trip which gave me this feeling of protection that only comes through self-acceptance (or something along those lines). I felt so free! haha. Free to be me, the real me, and was such without any strenuous looking and searching.

I love those people. /bow Very much. They are those friends you find once in a lifetime. As a group, it clicked perfectly. Yet, as individuals, they are still entirely unique. I won't pick anyone out specifically to speak more of, out of respect for the whole group, just...

It was fun. :) And I miss them.